2014 - Renew

If you read the few posts I wrote in 2013 perhaps you got the picture that 2013 was a less then ideal (by a short sighted human perspective) year for me.  And as it drew to a close I was VERY glad to see it go.  I promised myself that next year (now this year, 2014) would be better.  To be honest it did not start out so great and there are still some major struggles to work through, but I'm okay with that now.  Why you ask?  Because in my weakness HE is becoming strong.  The He I refer to is of course God.  When you hit the bottom all you can do it look up, and in looking up I came face to face with my Heavenly Father.  I real true face to face...I see Him now for who He really is and who I really am in Him.  It is a difficult place to be...to truly see who you are in all your sinful mess, but a freeing place to be to see the love God has for you even though you are a mess.  It is a place where true communication can happen, and happening it is.  God has taken me down to my rotten foundation and has begun a good work in me.  I am in the midst of a spiritual rehab, and God is my contractor and architect.
A moment ago I was in the midst of a mundane task of washing dishes.  Actually not so mundane when you really consider it, washing dishes means you have a home with a kitchen, dishes to cook with and eat with, and food to eat...God is good!  I digress though, in the midst of hands plunged in hot soapy water I had a Bible "verse" come to me and felt an immediately need (or spiritual urge) to go find it and dig into the truths it held.  This was the "verse" God placed on my conscious:

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, present your requests to God, and He will be faithful to completion."

Now, I put the word verse above in quotations, because in digging into God's word I discovered this little gem that caused me to pause and consider the truths of God is not one verse in fact, but THREE separate verses.  (They do coincidently all come from the same book of the Bible, Philippians.)  Now before I get into those separate verses I want to share what this hodgepodge verse, that I fully believe the Holy Spirit brought to my conscious at that very moment, spoke to me...the truth it revealed.
First it revealed to me my own selfish, manipulative ways.  I love to serve people, I really do.  It comes easy and naturally to me.  I have no problem giving of myself expecting nothing in return...with everyone except those I care the most about.  Yes, God smacked me in the face with a two by four of a spiritual gut check magnitude.  I can give and give and give to strangers and acquaintances with no problem of expecting anything at all in return.  Close friends and my blood family...not so much.  I mean outwardly no problems, but inwardly I feel wounded by their "lack of caring" when I am "caring" for them.  Let me be quick to point out that I am not at all accusing my friends and family of not loving me and caring about me. They really really do and I know that they do.  This problem is not theirs, it is mine...completely and totally mine.  I was a master manipulator as a child.  It drove my mother crazy and embarrassed her more times that I can probably count.  I have been proud of the fact that I learned to overcome that, very proud of that fact.  Whoops!  What's that saying, pride comes before the fall?  Yep, I am fallen.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition! GUT CHECK!  If you are my friend or my family member and are reading this right now, I am sorry and I hope you can forgive for placing unrealistic expectations on you without ever communicating my needs or desires.  It was wrong of me and I am truly sorry. Please, please forgive me?!?
"My needs or desires..."  Did you notice that phrase I just used.  I was doing stuff for people hoping they would then in return love me more because I had.  I was using them to try and fill a need in me.  How foolish and selfish I was (I am).  I was going to people first to fill a void in my life, when I should have been taking my needs to God first. But in EVERYTHING, by prayer and supplication, present your requests (needs) before GOD, and He will be faithful to completion.  God is the only one who knows our needs, even before we know them!  He is the one who can perfectly meet them, either on his own or through those who love Him and are working out His will here on earth.  I was skipping a step and trying to play God!!!  I was trying to do God's job, to fill a void in my life that only God could fill, which of course only led to failure and hurt.  And I held that hurt against innocent people, and now that I see my sin for what it is it breaks my heart what I have done to those I love.  Most never knew and probably never would have known were it not for this post.  For many, many, many of my friends and family this sin pattern did not affect our relationship at all.  There are a select few for whom this sin pattern did major damage and you can be sure that I will be personally, face to face, asking them to forgive me.  I have already begun this process.
I know this blog post could possibly cause some controversy and bring up even more issues that need resolved.  I even paused halfway through writing this and reconsidered whether is was wise to even share this, but with true honesty comes transparency, with transparency comes light, with light the darkness is diminished, in light comes life.  I want life, full, abundant, joyful life.  I want God to be able to shine forth, so I choose transparency.  Transparency can change us and it can help change others around us.  How selfish would I be if God spoke truth into my life, truth that has set me free, can set others free, and I keep it to myself?  Truth is to be shared, truth can slay the darkness.  I don't know about you, but I HATE inner darkness, so if I can help abolish it you better believe I am going to do that!  That rant being said, what lesson is to be learned here?  Do you have desires, needs in your life?  Are you looking to others to fill them?  Are you placing a burden upon them that they are not supposed to be bearing?
Here are the verses that my "verse" above came from:

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interest of others.  Philippians 2:3-4 

Hard verse to swallow.  Doing NOTHING...looking to OTHERS interest...value OTHERS over ourselves. But what about me, what about my needs, right?

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests before God."    Philippians 4:6

 Don't take your needs to others to be filled.  Take them to God first.   And don't just whine to God about your needs and wants.  Come before him grateful for what you have, not resenting that you don't have.  Focus on the giving of thanks and humbly request (That "do nothing out of selfish ambition" applies to prayer too!).  But what if is takes too long, what if I have to wait?  What if I don't see any change?

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."   Philippians 1:6

If your requests involves another person meeting your needs, if you are praying for them to change so that they can fulfill your desires...forget about it!  You are to go to God with YOUR requests, He will do a good work in YOU!  If we have a need the "issue" is with us, and it should be dealt with between us and God.  It is not our job to change other people, that is God's business.  Our business is ourselves and working with God to change us.  Have you been working and praying for God to get a hold of and change "that" person in your life?  I challenge you to stop, instead go to God and ask Him to being working on "this" person, on you.  That is what I doing and it is changing my life hour by hour.  The change in just the last 24 hours is, to be honest, mind boggling.  God is good, so very good.
I titled this post "2014 - Renew" because that is what I sense God is going to do in my life this year.  He is creating in me a pure heart, laid open and transparent before him, and will renew in me a steadfast spirit, one whose hope is the Lord and who will rejoice with thanksgiving. (words in italics are drawn from Psalm 51:10) With that will come a renewal of relationships strained and/or broken, renewal of an atmosphere of chaos to an atmosphere of peace in my home, and a renewal of purpose for my life...but all in His time for He who began a good work in me will carry it out on to completion in His time.  I leave it in His hands...let Your will be done Abba.  Amen and Amen

So much more than a little snowflake...

I stood in awe and wonder the other morning out on my front porch, my youngest by my side.  We both had grins on our faces and delight in our eyes.  Great big HUGE snowflakes were falling swiftly making it look like we were inside of a beautiful snow globe.  It struck me so much that I dashed inside to change my Facebook status to this:
"Wow it is breathtaking out right now! Huge, soft, silent flakes drifting down a blanket that is caressing everything with a clean fresh view. And the air feels and breathes so crisp and clear!"
Then I went back out to the porch to try and take some pictures, but as I couldn't find my real camera all I had was the camera on my phone...

Beautiful isn't it?  And this picture does not even do it real justice! So, why am I writing about this two days later?  I read a scripture this morning that really struck me and God punched it even more home to me by reminding me about that moment.

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10 NIV

As a crafter that word, handiwork, struck me between the eyes and sent my mind spinning.  When I create something I am very careful as I make it.  I have this image in my head and I want my handiwork to turn out just like that image.  I carefully plan and execute that plan.  I cut, sew, glue, color, arrange, etc each part of the handiwork with great care and consideration.  And when my project is complete I take great pride in it and want to share my accomplishment with those around me.  I cannot wait to use my project for its intended purpose and every time I see it or use it I again feel pride and joy in what I have made.  So, if that is how I, an imperfect sinful human being, see my handiwork then how must God view me?

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10 NIV

I am God's handiwork.  He made me! Created in Christ Jesus to do good works.  I am made to do good! Good works that God prepared me in advance for me to do.  I am made just the way I need to be made to do just the things God has given me to do!  Such a simple truth really, something I know I heard in many sermons throughout the past thirty odd years, but this morning it was like a lightening bolt from above leaving me thunderstruck and shaking.  And then God spoke soft and quiet,

"Those simple little snowflakes left you breathless and awestruck.  Why oh why are you so hard and down on yourself when you are so much more amazing than them?"

And that still small voice humbled me and cut me to core in a mere space of a breathe.  How wrong I have been to think that I was a disappointment, a failure, a mistake, that I could never be enough to do anything more than just make it through.  I have believed the lies of this world and made them my own truth.  This morning God revealed them to me to be just what they really were...lies.

I am GOD'S handiwork!!!  I am CREATED by GOD to do just what He has given me and it is GOOD works!!!!  And in CHRIST JESUS God made me to do these things.  I am NOT alone in all I do.  Christ is before, behind, beside me and always with me.  I am not made a failure, but prepared in advance for my good works!!!!  God is proud of me, made me knowing full well what I would face and creating me perfectly to meet abundantly those tasks through the power of Christ Jesus.  I am God made and God approved!!!!

My friend reading this...YOU are God's handiwork, YOU are created in Jesus Christ to do GOOD works, GOD has prepared YOU in advance to do those good works!  You are enough!!  You are God's pride and joy, His created handiwork!!!

Abba,

May we never forget that we are your handiwork.  As your creations you take joy and pride in us, each and every detail.  You planned us and created us in advance to do all that you would lay before us.  In Christ Jesus we are enough, we are more than enough, to do the good works you have for us.  Write these words of truth upon our hearts, burn it into our beings so that we may never forget them and thus open ourselves up to believing the lies of this world again. Amen and Amen.