End of the School year reflection...

Changes, life if full of them, big changes and little changes, insignificant ones and ones the alter life as you know it and all dreamed for it to be. They happen whether we want them or not, and often it feels like we have little to no choice in the matter.  It has been years since I've written here for various reasons, but I am finding my voice again and feeling the nudge to write, so here goes...

A few weeks ago I was contacted by one of the leaders in my mom's group (Shout out to my Mom2Mom ladies!!! You gals are amazing!!!) asking if I would give a short devotional at the final meeting of the school year. I'll admit I was a little taken back by the request as the leaders in the group know what my life has been like lately, but I didn't say no. Instead I found myself saying yes because just a few weeks earlier I had told one of those leaders that I wanted to start serving again so if there was anything I could do to help to let me know. God reminded me of that conversation when I was tempted to say no, and He also spoke into my heart that is was time to stop hiding and starting sharing myself again.  And so I wrote and gave a short devotional that day, and afterwards I had a few people tell me that I should share it on Facebook.  Well this isn't Facebook, but here is what I wrote and shared that day...

Boy this year has passed by quickly hasn't it? It seems like just yesterday my kids were climbing onto the bus for the first day of school.  If you life is anything like mine a lot has changed throughout this school year.  Some of those changes brought joy, like seeing my 7 year old finally grasp reading and start taking great delight in books or watching my 11 year old discover the artist within herself, and some of those changes have brought frustration or pain. I have had some major frustration and great pain this year.  This summer will no doubt also bring times of great joy and I know, from experience, the joy of having my kids around all the time will bring moments of great frustration.
Well, here is what I have learned in this school year filled with joy, sorrow, and frustration...God is good, God is faithful, God loves me..right here, right now, in the midst of great pain and frustration. That pain, that frustration, does not mean that God has turned away.  It means I need to turn to Him, press into Him, rely on Him to help me, to shore me up, to carry me through.
So, this summer when your baby won't sleep, when your toddler makes yet another epic mess, when your pre-schooler throws a monster tantrum, when your grade schooler is "bored" again despite the fact that their room is akin to a natural disaster site because of how blessed they are with toys, and when your pre-teen or teen yells at you that you "don't care/understand" and "this is so unfair" once again I want you to remember this, even when you feel like you failing, and flailing, so badly that no one should even like you...

God sees you, God knows you, and God loves you.

For the LORD your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

             Zephaniah 3:17 NLT

****Side note: If you live in the Galesburg, IL area and don't have a mom's group I would love to get you connected with the fabulous ladies at Mom2Mom.  They are seriously a wonderful group of women. Even though our regular meetings are over until next school year we still get together during the summer at a local park regularly, so leave me a comment if you want to connect!****

2014 - Renew

If you read the few posts I wrote in 2013 perhaps you got the picture that 2013 was a less then ideal (by a short sighted human perspective) year for me.  And as it drew to a close I was VERY glad to see it go.  I promised myself that next year (now this year, 2014) would be better.  To be honest it did not start out so great and there are still some major struggles to work through, but I'm okay with that now.  Why you ask?  Because in my weakness HE is becoming strong.  The He I refer to is of course God.  When you hit the bottom all you can do it look up, and in looking up I came face to face with my Heavenly Father.  I real true face to face...I see Him now for who He really is and who I really am in Him.  It is a difficult place to be...to truly see who you are in all your sinful mess, but a freeing place to be to see the love God has for you even though you are a mess.  It is a place where true communication can happen, and happening it is.  God has taken me down to my rotten foundation and has begun a good work in me.  I am in the midst of a spiritual rehab, and God is my contractor and architect.
A moment ago I was in the midst of a mundane task of washing dishes.  Actually not so mundane when you really consider it, washing dishes means you have a home with a kitchen, dishes to cook with and eat with, and food to eat...God is good!  I digress though, in the midst of hands plunged in hot soapy water I had a Bible "verse" come to me and felt an immediately need (or spiritual urge) to go find it and dig into the truths it held.  This was the "verse" God placed on my conscious:

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, present your requests to God, and He will be faithful to completion."

Now, I put the word verse above in quotations, because in digging into God's word I discovered this little gem that caused me to pause and consider the truths of God is not one verse in fact, but THREE separate verses.  (They do coincidently all come from the same book of the Bible, Philippians.)  Now before I get into those separate verses I want to share what this hodgepodge verse, that I fully believe the Holy Spirit brought to my conscious at that very moment, spoke to me...the truth it revealed.
First it revealed to me my own selfish, manipulative ways.  I love to serve people, I really do.  It comes easy and naturally to me.  I have no problem giving of myself expecting nothing in return...with everyone except those I care the most about.  Yes, God smacked me in the face with a two by four of a spiritual gut check magnitude.  I can give and give and give to strangers and acquaintances with no problem of expecting anything at all in return.  Close friends and my blood family...not so much.  I mean outwardly no problems, but inwardly I feel wounded by their "lack of caring" when I am "caring" for them.  Let me be quick to point out that I am not at all accusing my friends and family of not loving me and caring about me. They really really do and I know that they do.  This problem is not theirs, it is mine...completely and totally mine.  I was a master manipulator as a child.  It drove my mother crazy and embarrassed her more times that I can probably count.  I have been proud of the fact that I learned to overcome that, very proud of that fact.  Whoops!  What's that saying, pride comes before the fall?  Yep, I am fallen.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition! GUT CHECK!  If you are my friend or my family member and are reading this right now, I am sorry and I hope you can forgive for placing unrealistic expectations on you without ever communicating my needs or desires.  It was wrong of me and I am truly sorry. Please, please forgive me?!?
"My needs or desires..."  Did you notice that phrase I just used.  I was doing stuff for people hoping they would then in return love me more because I had.  I was using them to try and fill a need in me.  How foolish and selfish I was (I am).  I was going to people first to fill a void in my life, when I should have been taking my needs to God first. But in EVERYTHING, by prayer and supplication, present your requests (needs) before GOD, and He will be faithful to completion.  God is the only one who knows our needs, even before we know them!  He is the one who can perfectly meet them, either on his own or through those who love Him and are working out His will here on earth.  I was skipping a step and trying to play God!!!  I was trying to do God's job, to fill a void in my life that only God could fill, which of course only led to failure and hurt.  And I held that hurt against innocent people, and now that I see my sin for what it is it breaks my heart what I have done to those I love.  Most never knew and probably never would have known were it not for this post.  For many, many, many of my friends and family this sin pattern did not affect our relationship at all.  There are a select few for whom this sin pattern did major damage and you can be sure that I will be personally, face to face, asking them to forgive me.  I have already begun this process.
I know this blog post could possibly cause some controversy and bring up even more issues that need resolved.  I even paused halfway through writing this and reconsidered whether is was wise to even share this, but with true honesty comes transparency, with transparency comes light, with light the darkness is diminished, in light comes life.  I want life, full, abundant, joyful life.  I want God to be able to shine forth, so I choose transparency.  Transparency can change us and it can help change others around us.  How selfish would I be if God spoke truth into my life, truth that has set me free, can set others free, and I keep it to myself?  Truth is to be shared, truth can slay the darkness.  I don't know about you, but I HATE inner darkness, so if I can help abolish it you better believe I am going to do that!  That rant being said, what lesson is to be learned here?  Do you have desires, needs in your life?  Are you looking to others to fill them?  Are you placing a burden upon them that they are not supposed to be bearing?
Here are the verses that my "verse" above came from:

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interest of others.  Philippians 2:3-4 

Hard verse to swallow.  Doing NOTHING...looking to OTHERS interest...value OTHERS over ourselves. But what about me, what about my needs, right?

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests before God."    Philippians 4:6

 Don't take your needs to others to be filled.  Take them to God first.   And don't just whine to God about your needs and wants.  Come before him grateful for what you have, not resenting that you don't have.  Focus on the giving of thanks and humbly request (That "do nothing out of selfish ambition" applies to prayer too!).  But what if is takes too long, what if I have to wait?  What if I don't see any change?

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."   Philippians 1:6

If your requests involves another person meeting your needs, if you are praying for them to change so that they can fulfill your desires...forget about it!  You are to go to God with YOUR requests, He will do a good work in YOU!  If we have a need the "issue" is with us, and it should be dealt with between us and God.  It is not our job to change other people, that is God's business.  Our business is ourselves and working with God to change us.  Have you been working and praying for God to get a hold of and change "that" person in your life?  I challenge you to stop, instead go to God and ask Him to being working on "this" person, on you.  That is what I doing and it is changing my life hour by hour.  The change in just the last 24 hours is, to be honest, mind boggling.  God is good, so very good.
I titled this post "2014 - Renew" because that is what I sense God is going to do in my life this year.  He is creating in me a pure heart, laid open and transparent before him, and will renew in me a steadfast spirit, one whose hope is the Lord and who will rejoice with thanksgiving. (words in italics are drawn from Psalm 51:10) With that will come a renewal of relationships strained and/or broken, renewal of an atmosphere of chaos to an atmosphere of peace in my home, and a renewal of purpose for my life...but all in His time for He who began a good work in me will carry it out on to completion in His time.  I leave it in His hands...let Your will be done Abba.  Amen and Amen

So much more than a little snowflake...

I stood in awe and wonder the other morning out on my front porch, my youngest by my side.  We both had grins on our faces and delight in our eyes.  Great big HUGE snowflakes were falling swiftly making it look like we were inside of a beautiful snow globe.  It struck me so much that I dashed inside to change my Facebook status to this:
"Wow it is breathtaking out right now! Huge, soft, silent flakes drifting down a blanket that is caressing everything with a clean fresh view. And the air feels and breathes so crisp and clear!"
Then I went back out to the porch to try and take some pictures, but as I couldn't find my real camera all I had was the camera on my phone...

Beautiful isn't it?  And this picture does not even do it real justice! So, why am I writing about this two days later?  I read a scripture this morning that really struck me and God punched it even more home to me by reminding me about that moment.

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10 NIV

As a crafter that word, handiwork, struck me between the eyes and sent my mind spinning.  When I create something I am very careful as I make it.  I have this image in my head and I want my handiwork to turn out just like that image.  I carefully plan and execute that plan.  I cut, sew, glue, color, arrange, etc each part of the handiwork with great care and consideration.  And when my project is complete I take great pride in it and want to share my accomplishment with those around me.  I cannot wait to use my project for its intended purpose and every time I see it or use it I again feel pride and joy in what I have made.  So, if that is how I, an imperfect sinful human being, see my handiwork then how must God view me?

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Ephesians 2:10 NIV

I am God's handiwork.  He made me! Created in Christ Jesus to do good works.  I am made to do good! Good works that God prepared me in advance for me to do.  I am made just the way I need to be made to do just the things God has given me to do!  Such a simple truth really, something I know I heard in many sermons throughout the past thirty odd years, but this morning it was like a lightening bolt from above leaving me thunderstruck and shaking.  And then God spoke soft and quiet,

"Those simple little snowflakes left you breathless and awestruck.  Why oh why are you so hard and down on yourself when you are so much more amazing than them?"

And that still small voice humbled me and cut me to core in a mere space of a breathe.  How wrong I have been to think that I was a disappointment, a failure, a mistake, that I could never be enough to do anything more than just make it through.  I have believed the lies of this world and made them my own truth.  This morning God revealed them to me to be just what they really were...lies.

I am GOD'S handiwork!!!  I am CREATED by GOD to do just what He has given me and it is GOOD works!!!!  And in CHRIST JESUS God made me to do these things.  I am NOT alone in all I do.  Christ is before, behind, beside me and always with me.  I am not made a failure, but prepared in advance for my good works!!!!  God is proud of me, made me knowing full well what I would face and creating me perfectly to meet abundantly those tasks through the power of Christ Jesus.  I am God made and God approved!!!!

My friend reading this...YOU are God's handiwork, YOU are created in Jesus Christ to do GOOD works, GOD has prepared YOU in advance to do those good works!  You are enough!!  You are God's pride and joy, His created handiwork!!!

Abba,

May we never forget that we are your handiwork.  As your creations you take joy and pride in us, each and every detail.  You planned us and created us in advance to do all that you would lay before us.  In Christ Jesus we are enough, we are more than enough, to do the good works you have for us.  Write these words of truth upon our hearts, burn it into our beings so that we may never forget them and thus open ourselves up to believing the lies of this world again. Amen and Amen.

Clarity in the chaos...

Have you ever had one of the moments where you everything is suddenly clear, it feels like everything is crisp and the world is in vivid Technicolor?  I had one of those moments the other day, in church, singing a hymn I have song dozens of times...

Hymn Of Promise

In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;

In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!

In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be,

Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

There’s a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;

There’s a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.

From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery,

Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

This hymn was just what I needed, a soothing balm for what has felt like one of my toughest years to date (the year I lost my mom trumps this one, and a few years in my teens give it a run for its money).  Getting through most days felt like a constant battle with myself. 

"In the cold and snow of winter there's a spring that waits to be"

I love spring.  It is by far my most favorite time of the year.  Everything fresh and new, gentle rains, blooming flowers...a time of renewal.  I long for that in my life.  I yearn for it.... a season of spring and new beginnings.

"There's a song in every silence, seeking word and melody"

I love music.  It has such a way of touching lives where nothing else can.  I have sung in multiple choirs, special music duets with my sister, and even sang at my college graduations (where I messed up the song much to my embarrassment).  This year the music flowing from my heart has been few and far between...

"From the past will come a future; what it holds, a mystery"

We all have a past, some more colorful than others.  My story has a lot of ups and downs.  Most people are surprised when they hear my story.  I had one person comment on how strong I must have been to get through all that.  I don't feel strong...I never have...I've just done what I needed to do to get through each day.

Living this way has resulted in my life beginning to feel like one big monotonous blur.  It feels like I go from one "must get done" to another, from one "disaster" to another, from one "disappointment" to another, from one "struggle" to another.  I put these in quotes because they are my perceptions, and perceptions are not always reality.  I have felt like there was no end in sight to the cycle of this year, like the struggle would never end.  I could not see a time where this would all get better and I could breathe again.

"Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see."

This line brought tears to my eyes then, and again now as I typed it. It brings to mind a verse in the Bible that I have heard at various times throughout my life;

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."  Ecc 3:1

God gave us a promise, His word is always true.  I  believe this verse, my problem was I hadn't fully grasped the second part of that last line in the hymn, "something God alone can see".  My future isn't destined for chaos, it isn't a great big question mark.  My life has been envisioned by the one who created all the things my earthly eyes can see and perceive.  My problem isn't believing in God, or having faith (I've seen Him do too many things that cannot be explained any other way).  My problem is trust...

I have to choose to trust that this year is just a season, that God will, in His perfect timing, reveal the next season of my life.  I have to trust Him to see my future and let Him guide me on the path He has set out for me.  Trying to accomplish life on my own has been and is a course down the path of chaos and disaster.  I know who God is, I believe fully in Him, but I do not think I ever fully trusted him.  I have always tried to fix difficult situations on my own, feeling He would reward me by changing the circumstances.  What a foolish way to approach life.  God is not focused on the circumstances of my life.  He is focused on my heart.  He wants the same for me.  To stop focusing on my circumstances (and trying to fix them) and instead  to focus on my heart, giving it fully to him in complete trust that He will not break it or abuse it.  I have to trust Him fully. I know this will not be easy for me, old habits of protecting myself will die hard.  Full release has never been my forte.  Surrender is not a word that the dictionary of my life contains.  I'm one of those people who will go down fighting. 

There is a song that has been playing on KLove that I have not been able to get out of my mind...

"Behind this curtain there is a heart that's hurting.
It's been taking a beating. It's starting to fall apart.
And I feel like such an easy target. Dodging bullets, I'm exhausted.
How can every moment be this hard?
I'm holding nothing back from you.
Doesn't really matter what I lose.
Got a heart that's open. I'm broken and I want you to know.
Jesus, I don't want anything coming in between you and me.
Jesus, it doesn't matter what I have to go through.
I'm holding nothing back, nothing back from you."

(excerpt from Holding Nothing Back by Ryan Stevenson)

 I always felt like a hypocrite singing along with this song, because I knew...deep down...that I have never fully surrendered my heart to God.  But that is going to change.  This song is going to become my theme for the rest of this year and for all the years that come...holding nothing back, letting nothing come between...trusting in Him to settle my heart and calm the chaos within.

A change of plans...

I started writing this blog intending it to be an upbeat blog full of encouragement, with lots of cool gardening metaphors.  I didn't stop writing because I had run out of ideas.  (I have a little notebook with  ideas scribbled in it.)  What I ran out of was "upbeat" and encouragement, so I quit writing.  I thought if I didn't have anything good to say then I would just wait until "the good times rolled" again.  Well, I won't say I haven't had any good times, because I have had little moments of joy, but the best way to describe the end of my spring and my whole summer is one big STRUGGLE!  I struggled to get through each day.  I struggled to connect with my children and my hubby.  I struggled with anger, self doubt, love, relationships, loneliness, depression, my to-do list, and it felt like just about everything.  I pretty much had a weekly break down where I sobbed, poured my heart out to my dad or my sister over the phone. God bless them for listening and praying for me so many times! And then picked back up the pieces I could gather and pressed on.  I couldn't write because I had nothing "good" to say.  Just getting through each day was my daily goal, if I tried for much more than that I was setting myself up for failure.  And every day I felt like I failed even though I had made it through.  I felt like I failed because there was still a list a mile long I hadn't accomplished, I had yelled at my kids, passed like ships in the night with my husband, left dirty dishes in the sink, dirty laundry in the hamper, and heaven forbid you drop anything on any floor in our house because it would be COVERED in dog hair (grosses me out!).  I was tired, I was weary, life was a burden.  Joy and hope seemed like distant dreams, fairy tales that one could read about in a book. I just couldn't write anything upbeat.  To top it off my flower boxes do not look very nice this year and I almost killed the few flowers I did eventually plant.  All my in-ground impatiens died of that nasty mildew strain, so I now have big blank areas.  Basically my planters are a helter-skelter mess.  I never did get any vegetable plants in besides three tomato plants, and those did not get into the ground until the beginning of June.  So, I have no great gardening experiences this year to write out of either (well...one just came to mind from the impatiens experience, so you may see that one in the future).  See, everything was a struggle...and no one wants to hear about that right?  
WRONG! Life is not all "diamond sunbursts and marble halls" (love Anne Shirley!). Life has it's ups and downs.  Sure we all love a feel good story, a bit of upbeat writing, something to bring joy to our hearts, but we also need to know that other people share in the struggles too.  It is so easy to shut ourselves away when we are hurting.  We don't want to appear weak.  We don't want to be judged when we are already feeling vulnerable and lost.  We don't want anyone to think we are flawed.  Yet, we all are flawed, we all have our weak moments, we all have hurts, we all struggle.  So, where does that leave me with writing this blog?  It leaves me with this, all I can do is write from where I am and share the lessons that God and life bring me.  Some days my writing maybe upbeat, other days it maybe more though provoking, and some days it may come out of pain.  I hope you will come along for the journey, and I hope this journey in the end will lead both you and me in a closer walk with God.  

Life's little surprises

I'm sorry I have not posted in quite a while.  About a month ago my little mid-western town was hit with a SEVERE flood.  Our home was spared, by half a block, but many in our town were not.  I spent the better part of the past month serving in our church assisting those who were affected with hot meals and organizing the donations/distribution of relief supplies. It was a time of devastation and sorrow in that first week or so following the flood.  Yet, also in that first week this happened in my front planter boxes.

I had many people come by the church and tell me how my tulips brought them something to smile at for a bit.  It is truly amazing how a simple plant can bring joy, but believe me they certainly can.  In the midst of a surprise flood the sudden appearance of my tulips, bobbing their colorful heads at all who walked by, was certainly a joy.

Weeding...

In my stepping out in faith I went back and read my old posts before publishing this blog.  About a year ago I wrote the post called Weeds and Rotting Things. It was a very personal post from a very painful place in my life.  I would love to say that I am a completely different person than the woman who wrote that post a year ago, but the truth is I still struggle with those same issues.  Facing the reality of my life and of myself was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  Accepting those realities about my life and myself is an ongoing journey.  Everyday it seems I have to sort through a little bit more of my life finding the good to hold onto and the bad to let go.  It has been almost a year and I'm still sorting.  This morning as I looked out my window at my empty raised garden boxes I started dreaming about my garden.  This year I am going to plant a garden...not just plan a garden, and my girls are talking about the gardens they are going to plant as well.  This got me thinking again about plans and visions, how they are a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. I can envision my garden right now, strong tomato plants, beans, peas, various squashes and other vegetables growing the boxes out by the back fence, while my front planters over flow with beautiful flowers as do my corner planters.  Here is the current reality of those planters.

 I am going to do a blog post on the conditions of each of these groups of planters later on, but for now I want to stick with an overview.  I want this garden to be beautiful and plentiful this year.  Right now it just looks a mess.  That's how I felt my life was a year ago...a complete mess.  There were dead nasty plants that used to be beautiful, hundreds of weeds that just wouldn't die and dried out leaves swirling about stirring up memories of better days.  I even felt like everything was just kind of gray, not unlike the conditions of the day I took these pictures.
Getting all these planters cleaned up and ready for a pretty garden this year is going to take a lot of hard work.  Getting my life back in the proper perspective is taking a lot of hard work, but I'm getting there.
Pulling the weeds in my planters will tear up the soil and probably wear me out when I do it.  I highly doubt I will be able to do this all in one day, probably not even one week (I have two young girls who need most of my time and attention.).  My life is the same way, I cannot pull the weeds of self doubt, of fears, and lies that I have let into my life all in one day.  It will take a long time, longer than it will take me to clean up my garden areas.  Pulling those "weeds" rips the fabric of my life, it hurts, and it wears me out, but (Oh how I love a good "but" in a sentence that starts out sounding painful and hopeless!) doing that gives me a clean spot of open soil into which I can plant and grow something beautiful.  As any good gardener knows weeding is not a one time activity.  You can't pull all the weeds once and they are gone. No, weeding is continual or your garden will become overrun, much as my planter boxes have become.  So this task of weeding my life will continue, some weeds will be more painful, others will come out easier, and still others I will not give a chance to take root by utilizing the weed blocker of truth to combat the lies.  I can't wait to see the beautiful garden my Gardener is going to plant in my life now that we are cleaning out all the rubble.