Clarity in the chaos...

Have you ever had one of the moments where you everything is suddenly clear, it feels like everything is crisp and the world is in vivid Technicolor?  I had one of those moments the other day, in church, singing a hymn I have song dozens of times...

Hymn Of Promise

In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;

In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!

In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be,

Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

There’s a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;

There’s a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.

From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery,

Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

This hymn was just what I needed, a soothing balm for what has felt like one of my toughest years to date (the year I lost my mom trumps this one, and a few years in my teens give it a run for its money).  Getting through most days felt like a constant battle with myself. 

"In the cold and snow of winter there's a spring that waits to be"

I love spring.  It is by far my most favorite time of the year.  Everything fresh and new, gentle rains, blooming flowers...a time of renewal.  I long for that in my life.  I yearn for it.... a season of spring and new beginnings.

"There's a song in every silence, seeking word and melody"

I love music.  It has such a way of touching lives where nothing else can.  I have sung in multiple choirs, special music duets with my sister, and even sang at my college graduations (where I messed up the song much to my embarrassment).  This year the music flowing from my heart has been few and far between...

"From the past will come a future; what it holds, a mystery"

We all have a past, some more colorful than others.  My story has a lot of ups and downs.  Most people are surprised when they hear my story.  I had one person comment on how strong I must have been to get through all that.  I don't feel strong...I never have...I've just done what I needed to do to get through each day.

Living this way has resulted in my life beginning to feel like one big monotonous blur.  It feels like I go from one "must get done" to another, from one "disaster" to another, from one "disappointment" to another, from one "struggle" to another.  I put these in quotes because they are my perceptions, and perceptions are not always reality.  I have felt like there was no end in sight to the cycle of this year, like the struggle would never end.  I could not see a time where this would all get better and I could breathe again.

"Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see."

This line brought tears to my eyes then, and again now as I typed it. It brings to mind a verse in the Bible that I have heard at various times throughout my life;

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."  Ecc 3:1

God gave us a promise, His word is always true.  I  believe this verse, my problem was I hadn't fully grasped the second part of that last line in the hymn, "something God alone can see".  My future isn't destined for chaos, it isn't a great big question mark.  My life has been envisioned by the one who created all the things my earthly eyes can see and perceive.  My problem isn't believing in God, or having faith (I've seen Him do too many things that cannot be explained any other way).  My problem is trust...

I have to choose to trust that this year is just a season, that God will, in His perfect timing, reveal the next season of my life.  I have to trust Him to see my future and let Him guide me on the path He has set out for me.  Trying to accomplish life on my own has been and is a course down the path of chaos and disaster.  I know who God is, I believe fully in Him, but I do not think I ever fully trusted him.  I have always tried to fix difficult situations on my own, feeling He would reward me by changing the circumstances.  What a foolish way to approach life.  God is not focused on the circumstances of my life.  He is focused on my heart.  He wants the same for me.  To stop focusing on my circumstances (and trying to fix them) and instead  to focus on my heart, giving it fully to him in complete trust that He will not break it or abuse it.  I have to trust Him fully. I know this will not be easy for me, old habits of protecting myself will die hard.  Full release has never been my forte.  Surrender is not a word that the dictionary of my life contains.  I'm one of those people who will go down fighting. 

There is a song that has been playing on KLove that I have not been able to get out of my mind...

"Behind this curtain there is a heart that's hurting.
It's been taking a beating. It's starting to fall apart.
And I feel like such an easy target. Dodging bullets, I'm exhausted.
How can every moment be this hard?
I'm holding nothing back from you.
Doesn't really matter what I lose.
Got a heart that's open. I'm broken and I want you to know.
Jesus, I don't want anything coming in between you and me.
Jesus, it doesn't matter what I have to go through.
I'm holding nothing back, nothing back from you."

(excerpt from Holding Nothing Back by Ryan Stevenson)

 I always felt like a hypocrite singing along with this song, because I knew...deep down...that I have never fully surrendered my heart to God.  But that is going to change.  This song is going to become my theme for the rest of this year and for all the years that come...holding nothing back, letting nothing come between...trusting in Him to settle my heart and calm the chaos within.