I started writing this blog intending it to be an upbeat blog full of encouragement, with lots of cool gardening metaphors. I didn't stop writing because I had run out of ideas. (I have a little notebook with ideas scribbled in it.) What I ran out of was "upbeat" and encouragement, so I quit writing. I thought if I didn't have anything good to say then I would just wait until "the good times rolled" again. Well, I won't say I haven't had any good times, because I have had little moments of joy, but the best way to describe the end of my spring and my whole summer is one big STRUGGLE! I struggled to get through each day. I struggled to connect with my children and my hubby. I struggled with anger, self doubt, love, relationships, loneliness, depression, my to-do list, and it felt like just about everything. I pretty much had a weekly break down where I sobbed, poured my heart out to my dad or my sister over the phone. God bless them for listening and praying for me so many times! And then picked back up the pieces I could gather and pressed on. I couldn't write because I had nothing "good" to say. Just getting through each day was my daily goal, if I tried for much more than that I was setting myself up for failure. And every day I felt like I failed even though I had made it through. I felt like I failed because there was still a list a mile long I hadn't accomplished, I had yelled at my kids, passed like ships in the night with my husband, left dirty dishes in the sink, dirty laundry in the hamper, and heaven forbid you drop anything on any floor in our house because it would be COVERED in dog hair (grosses me out!). I was tired, I was weary, life was a burden. Joy and hope seemed like distant dreams, fairy tales that one could read about in a book. I just couldn't write anything upbeat. To top it off my flower boxes do not look very nice this year and I almost killed the few flowers I did eventually plant. All my in-ground impatiens died of that nasty mildew strain, so I now have big blank areas. Basically my planters are a helter-skelter mess. I never did get any vegetable plants in besides three tomato plants, and those did not get into the ground until the beginning of June. So, I have no great gardening experiences this year to write out of either (well...one just came to mind from the impatiens experience, so you may see that one in the future). See, everything was a struggle...and no one wants to hear about that right?
WRONG! Life is not all "diamond sunbursts and marble halls" (love Anne Shirley!). Life has it's ups and downs. Sure we all love a feel good story, a bit of upbeat writing, something to bring joy to our hearts, but we also need to know that other people share in the struggles too. It is so easy to shut ourselves away when we are hurting. We don't want to appear weak. We don't want to be judged when we are already feeling vulnerable and lost. We don't want anyone to think we are flawed. Yet, we all are flawed, we all have our weak moments, we all have hurts, we all struggle. So, where does that leave me with writing this blog? It leaves me with this, all I can do is write from where I am and share the lessons that God and life bring me. Some days my writing maybe upbeat, other days it maybe more though provoking, and some days it may come out of pain. I hope you will come along for the journey, and I hope this journey in the end will lead both you and me in a closer walk with God.
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