Clarity in the chaos...

Have you ever had one of the moments where you everything is suddenly clear, it feels like everything is crisp and the world is in vivid Technicolor?  I had one of those moments the other day, in church, singing a hymn I have song dozens of times...

Hymn Of Promise

In the bulb there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree;

In cocoons, a hidden promise: butterflies will soon be free!

In the cold and snow of winter there’s a spring that waits to be,

Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

There’s a song in every silence, seeking word and melody;

There’s a dawn in every darkness, bringing hope to you and me.

From the past will come the future; what it holds, a mystery,

Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see.

This hymn was just what I needed, a soothing balm for what has felt like one of my toughest years to date (the year I lost my mom trumps this one, and a few years in my teens give it a run for its money).  Getting through most days felt like a constant battle with myself. 

"In the cold and snow of winter there's a spring that waits to be"

I love spring.  It is by far my most favorite time of the year.  Everything fresh and new, gentle rains, blooming flowers...a time of renewal.  I long for that in my life.  I yearn for it.... a season of spring and new beginnings.

"There's a song in every silence, seeking word and melody"

I love music.  It has such a way of touching lives where nothing else can.  I have sung in multiple choirs, special music duets with my sister, and even sang at my college graduations (where I messed up the song much to my embarrassment).  This year the music flowing from my heart has been few and far between...

"From the past will come a future; what it holds, a mystery"

We all have a past, some more colorful than others.  My story has a lot of ups and downs.  Most people are surprised when they hear my story.  I had one person comment on how strong I must have been to get through all that.  I don't feel strong...I never have...I've just done what I needed to do to get through each day.

Living this way has resulted in my life beginning to feel like one big monotonous blur.  It feels like I go from one "must get done" to another, from one "disaster" to another, from one "disappointment" to another, from one "struggle" to another.  I put these in quotes because they are my perceptions, and perceptions are not always reality.  I have felt like there was no end in sight to the cycle of this year, like the struggle would never end.  I could not see a time where this would all get better and I could breathe again.

"Unrevealed until its season, something God alone can see."

This line brought tears to my eyes then, and again now as I typed it. It brings to mind a verse in the Bible that I have heard at various times throughout my life;

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."  Ecc 3:1

God gave us a promise, His word is always true.  I  believe this verse, my problem was I hadn't fully grasped the second part of that last line in the hymn, "something God alone can see".  My future isn't destined for chaos, it isn't a great big question mark.  My life has been envisioned by the one who created all the things my earthly eyes can see and perceive.  My problem isn't believing in God, or having faith (I've seen Him do too many things that cannot be explained any other way).  My problem is trust...

I have to choose to trust that this year is just a season, that God will, in His perfect timing, reveal the next season of my life.  I have to trust Him to see my future and let Him guide me on the path He has set out for me.  Trying to accomplish life on my own has been and is a course down the path of chaos and disaster.  I know who God is, I believe fully in Him, but I do not think I ever fully trusted him.  I have always tried to fix difficult situations on my own, feeling He would reward me by changing the circumstances.  What a foolish way to approach life.  God is not focused on the circumstances of my life.  He is focused on my heart.  He wants the same for me.  To stop focusing on my circumstances (and trying to fix them) and instead  to focus on my heart, giving it fully to him in complete trust that He will not break it or abuse it.  I have to trust Him fully. I know this will not be easy for me, old habits of protecting myself will die hard.  Full release has never been my forte.  Surrender is not a word that the dictionary of my life contains.  I'm one of those people who will go down fighting. 

There is a song that has been playing on KLove that I have not been able to get out of my mind...

"Behind this curtain there is a heart that's hurting.
It's been taking a beating. It's starting to fall apart.
And I feel like such an easy target. Dodging bullets, I'm exhausted.
How can every moment be this hard?
I'm holding nothing back from you.
Doesn't really matter what I lose.
Got a heart that's open. I'm broken and I want you to know.
Jesus, I don't want anything coming in between you and me.
Jesus, it doesn't matter what I have to go through.
I'm holding nothing back, nothing back from you."

(excerpt from Holding Nothing Back by Ryan Stevenson)

 I always felt like a hypocrite singing along with this song, because I knew...deep down...that I have never fully surrendered my heart to God.  But that is going to change.  This song is going to become my theme for the rest of this year and for all the years that come...holding nothing back, letting nothing come between...trusting in Him to settle my heart and calm the chaos within.

A change of plans...

I started writing this blog intending it to be an upbeat blog full of encouragement, with lots of cool gardening metaphors.  I didn't stop writing because I had run out of ideas.  (I have a little notebook with  ideas scribbled in it.)  What I ran out of was "upbeat" and encouragement, so I quit writing.  I thought if I didn't have anything good to say then I would just wait until "the good times rolled" again.  Well, I won't say I haven't had any good times, because I have had little moments of joy, but the best way to describe the end of my spring and my whole summer is one big STRUGGLE!  I struggled to get through each day.  I struggled to connect with my children and my hubby.  I struggled with anger, self doubt, love, relationships, loneliness, depression, my to-do list, and it felt like just about everything.  I pretty much had a weekly break down where I sobbed, poured my heart out to my dad or my sister over the phone. God bless them for listening and praying for me so many times! And then picked back up the pieces I could gather and pressed on.  I couldn't write because I had nothing "good" to say.  Just getting through each day was my daily goal, if I tried for much more than that I was setting myself up for failure.  And every day I felt like I failed even though I had made it through.  I felt like I failed because there was still a list a mile long I hadn't accomplished, I had yelled at my kids, passed like ships in the night with my husband, left dirty dishes in the sink, dirty laundry in the hamper, and heaven forbid you drop anything on any floor in our house because it would be COVERED in dog hair (grosses me out!).  I was tired, I was weary, life was a burden.  Joy and hope seemed like distant dreams, fairy tales that one could read about in a book. I just couldn't write anything upbeat.  To top it off my flower boxes do not look very nice this year and I almost killed the few flowers I did eventually plant.  All my in-ground impatiens died of that nasty mildew strain, so I now have big blank areas.  Basically my planters are a helter-skelter mess.  I never did get any vegetable plants in besides three tomato plants, and those did not get into the ground until the beginning of June.  So, I have no great gardening experiences this year to write out of either (well...one just came to mind from the impatiens experience, so you may see that one in the future).  See, everything was a struggle...and no one wants to hear about that right?  
WRONG! Life is not all "diamond sunbursts and marble halls" (love Anne Shirley!). Life has it's ups and downs.  Sure we all love a feel good story, a bit of upbeat writing, something to bring joy to our hearts, but we also need to know that other people share in the struggles too.  It is so easy to shut ourselves away when we are hurting.  We don't want to appear weak.  We don't want to be judged when we are already feeling vulnerable and lost.  We don't want anyone to think we are flawed.  Yet, we all are flawed, we all have our weak moments, we all have hurts, we all struggle.  So, where does that leave me with writing this blog?  It leaves me with this, all I can do is write from where I am and share the lessons that God and life bring me.  Some days my writing maybe upbeat, other days it maybe more though provoking, and some days it may come out of pain.  I hope you will come along for the journey, and I hope this journey in the end will lead both you and me in a closer walk with God.  

Life's little surprises

I'm sorry I have not posted in quite a while.  About a month ago my little mid-western town was hit with a SEVERE flood.  Our home was spared, by half a block, but many in our town were not.  I spent the better part of the past month serving in our church assisting those who were affected with hot meals and organizing the donations/distribution of relief supplies. It was a time of devastation and sorrow in that first week or so following the flood.  Yet, also in that first week this happened in my front planter boxes.

I had many people come by the church and tell me how my tulips brought them something to smile at for a bit.  It is truly amazing how a simple plant can bring joy, but believe me they certainly can.  In the midst of a surprise flood the sudden appearance of my tulips, bobbing their colorful heads at all who walked by, was certainly a joy.

Weeding...

In my stepping out in faith I went back and read my old posts before publishing this blog.  About a year ago I wrote the post called Weeds and Rotting Things. It was a very personal post from a very painful place in my life.  I would love to say that I am a completely different person than the woman who wrote that post a year ago, but the truth is I still struggle with those same issues.  Facing the reality of my life and of myself was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  Accepting those realities about my life and myself is an ongoing journey.  Everyday it seems I have to sort through a little bit more of my life finding the good to hold onto and the bad to let go.  It has been almost a year and I'm still sorting.  This morning as I looked out my window at my empty raised garden boxes I started dreaming about my garden.  This year I am going to plant a garden...not just plan a garden, and my girls are talking about the gardens they are going to plant as well.  This got me thinking again about plans and visions, how they are a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. I can envision my garden right now, strong tomato plants, beans, peas, various squashes and other vegetables growing the boxes out by the back fence, while my front planters over flow with beautiful flowers as do my corner planters.  Here is the current reality of those planters.

 I am going to do a blog post on the conditions of each of these groups of planters later on, but for now I want to stick with an overview.  I want this garden to be beautiful and plentiful this year.  Right now it just looks a mess.  That's how I felt my life was a year ago...a complete mess.  There were dead nasty plants that used to be beautiful, hundreds of weeds that just wouldn't die and dried out leaves swirling about stirring up memories of better days.  I even felt like everything was just kind of gray, not unlike the conditions of the day I took these pictures.
Getting all these planters cleaned up and ready for a pretty garden this year is going to take a lot of hard work.  Getting my life back in the proper perspective is taking a lot of hard work, but I'm getting there.
Pulling the weeds in my planters will tear up the soil and probably wear me out when I do it.  I highly doubt I will be able to do this all in one day, probably not even one week (I have two young girls who need most of my time and attention.).  My life is the same way, I cannot pull the weeds of self doubt, of fears, and lies that I have let into my life all in one day.  It will take a long time, longer than it will take me to clean up my garden areas.  Pulling those "weeds" rips the fabric of my life, it hurts, and it wears me out, but (Oh how I love a good "but" in a sentence that starts out sounding painful and hopeless!) doing that gives me a clean spot of open soil into which I can plant and grow something beautiful.  As any good gardener knows weeding is not a one time activity.  You can't pull all the weeds once and they are gone. No, weeding is continual or your garden will become overrun, much as my planter boxes have become.  So this task of weeding my life will continue, some weeds will be more painful, others will come out easier, and still others I will not give a chance to take root by utilizing the weed blocker of truth to combat the lies.  I can't wait to see the beautiful garden my Gardener is going to plant in my life now that we are cleaning out all the rubble.

Following the Son

One of my other favorite flowers has always been the Sunflower.  They are also a bright and cheery flower.  As a kid I would marvel at how tall the plant grew and how large that one crowing flower was.  I would also marvel at how the flower followed the sun across the sky.  It was amazing to see a plant move that much!  I almost felt like I could see it actually moving, turning and twisting to face the sun.  And oh how their color matched the sun they followed.  It was almost like a reflection of the thing they looked up at and followed without fail.  In my mind there is quite a love affair going on between sunflowers and the sun.  Sunflowers spend their entire day gazing up at the sun, soaking in its warmth, gaining nourishment from its rays.  The more time in the sun the bigger and stronger they grow, and the sunnier they get.  Of course there are the overcast days with rain.  Sunflowers seem a little droopy to me on those days.  They don't lose their sunnier yellow, but their heads hang a little bit.  They seem a little lost not being able to see the sun and follow its path.  They try their best to look to where the sun is, but some days it is so dark and gloomy and rainy that they just drop their heads, almost tucking their chins against the weather.  The raindrops dripping off of them almost look like tears, crying for the missing sun.  What they don't know (for they are only flowers you know) is that their beloved sun is still there behind the clouds and the icky weather.  The sun is still shining, they just can't see it right now.  Right now they are getting the other nourishment they need, rain.  The sunflower, as much as it loves the sun needs the rainy days to grow properly.  This is not unlike us and our walk with God.  We feel the best, the sunniest so to say, when we feel like God is near and we can see his face.  Yet in every life there are times of clouds and rain that seem to obscure us from God.  And for some of us we have had violent thunderstorms, tornadoes  or even hurricanes that seem to completely devastate life as we know it.  We wonder where God was in it all?  Where was he when the clouds rolled, the rain fell, when lightening struck, and even when our worlds were turned upside down.  The good news, he was there above it all, just like the sun is always there about the clouds.  The clouds only obscure it, and Him, for the duration of the storm...and when it has run its course, when it has given the nourishment it has, or taught us lessons we needed to learn, the clouds part and we can bask in the light of the Son once again.

So if you are in a time of sweet basking in the sunshine, or in a moment of clouds and rain, rest assured there is one constant the sun.  Every time you see a sunflower may it remind you that the Son is always there...and may you embrace the principle of the sunflower, always follow the Son!

Then comes the sun...

There is nothing like the spring sun to awaken a soul.  You wake up one morning after a long winter and something is different, the world seems more cheery.  The sunshine seems brighter, crisper, warmer, and could it possibly be more yellow?  And with that change comes a whisper of hope, you can almost feel the new life beginning to stir and awaken.  I love the spring sunshine and the pure joy is seems to bath everything in.  The drab brown grass starts to look a little greener than even yesterday and it doesn't even look as cold outside (even if it is still below freezing) when spring sunshine is caressing everything around.  The sunshine changes our view of things when we look at them through the light it spreads.  Not unlike our view of the world through our human eyes and then with the lens of Christ.  With our human eyes the world can look so bleak and formidable.  Turn on the news and you will see stories of shootings, rapes, murders, and a lot of political hen pecking.  Even walking out our front door and into our neighborhoods the world doesn't seem as safe as it did when we were kids.  I used to play for hours outside running all over the neighborhood, checking in maybe once or twice with my mom.  I knew that when it got dark I was supposed to come home.  Now, I'm cautious to let my girls go to the park right across the street from our house.  When they ask to go to the park I go outside to see who else might be over there and assess whether I want my children exposed to those people.  How sad and depressing this seems.  What is our world coming, how much worse  can it get?  The answer is it can get much worse, but there is a hope at the end of the tunnel.  Much like that spring sunshine after the long winter.   That hope is an eternity with Jesus.  And when we look at the bleak world around us through his eyes we can see it a little differently, much like the brown grass looking a little green suddenly.  You see Jesus doesn't see everything as lost, but he sees everything as able to be restored one day.  Yes the bleakness of winter abounds, but the spring sunshine is coming. That can give us hope, no matter how cold the world may seem.

Waiting...

This post was originally written in the fall of last year. I am finally stepping out in faith, despite my fears, and publishing this blog:
I sit here today feeling lost and alone, dry and barren.  I don't know what brought this on, though it may just be that I am very tired from an unexpectedly long and busy week.  I feel parched and shriveled.  Not unlike many of the plants I've seen in my travels this week.  Not unlike my daisy plant out in the corner garden.  We did get a decent rain this week, but the long dry spell we've had makes quick work of any little amount of rain we get.  The ground is dry and unyielding when you try to weed.  Curious isn't it how the weeds thrive when the flowers are failing?  There are so many life lessons and parallels you could draw from this, for me however it is just this...there are dry times in your life when you feel like you can't get enough "water" to refresh and satisfy your thirst.  Life seems more draining then fulfilling.  Times when you feel withered on the plant and like it would be nice to just curl up and hibernate away from it all under a beautiful blanket of snow, but it isn't the winter season yet and so you are stuck.  Stuck feeling withered and worn, brown and brittle...much like the blooms on my daisy plant.  This week, however, low and behold there are new blooms all bright and sunny.  Yes the old shriveled ones are still there (I know I should dead head.) but new life is there as well.  So, despite our times of feeling dry and when life has got us worn down and weary there is new life ahead.  The current situations might be dried up and worn out, but soon there will be new opportunities and thy will cause you to bloom bright and sunny again.  You see the main plant is not dead, shriveled or brown, it is only the blooms.  All we have to do it wait, soaking up the sun, bending our heads down in the refreshing times of rain, waiting for our time to bloom forth again.  And when that time comes we will again spread forth our beauty and bring a smile to those who pass our way.

Weeds and Rotting Things

This post was originally written in the spring of last year. I am finally stepping out in faith, despite my fears, and publishing this blog:
Like I said in my previous post I have only recently begun to see myself as a daisy, metaphorically of course.  This change began after I became very disappointed with situations in my life, feeling as if many were my fault and that I had some how failed.  And with this failure I began to long for the days when I felt good about myself, for the things of yesteryear in which I had been accomplished and had been recognized for those accomplishments.  I began to regret opportunities I had let slip through my fingers, either those of my choice or of people around me.  With these memories of how good I had been and "what ifs" came even more pain and feelings of being a failure.  One not so fine day in May came that reckoning point.  You know the point where everything seems to fall down around your ears and you are forced to face the facts of here and now. The memories are just that memories, and the lies you've been telling yourself and possibly those around you are seen for exactly what they are, lies.  This is a horrible and awful place to be, yet from this awful place comes new growth because there is no where to go up from the lowest of low.
This reminds me of daisies after a winter.  The previous year they grew big, strong, and that lovely shade of living green.  They bloomed and blessed those around them with that smile of sunshine that you can pick and carry into your house.  And then winter came, that long, dark, cold time of winter.  The blooms stop, the green fades to that dry dead brown and the plant becomes buried under a bed of snow, slush, and sleet.  Come the end of winter there isn't much to be seen, except a little stubble and the dark brown rotting bits of last years leftover stems and leaves.  It is only the gardener that truly knows and loves what this pile of seemingly rotten plant was and is.  It is that same gardener who, come spring, will clear away the rotting debris and fertilize the daisy plant in preparation for it to become once again the blessing and beauty is was created to be.  He will clear away the weeds that have sprung up and are stealing the light from his beloved daisy.  The weeds that have choked it and twisted around it convincing it that it is worthless and less important then the other plants near by.  He will water it and tend to it because he cares for it.
I was that rotten plant.  And God, who loves me (and you) more then anything else in the world, gave me my day of reckoning.  He came in, and through the words and action of people in my life, made me face myself. It wasn't easy and I didn't like it.  It was painful when He pulled the weeds.  Those weeds of lies that I had convinced myself were true.  Lies that I had created trying to protect myself and lies that others, knowingly and unknowingly, had planted into my life garden.  It hurt when they came up, because my true roots were so entangled into their roots that it felt like I was being pulled up too.  And with the lies being exposed came the truths I had to face.  I am not going to be a rose, an iris, or an orchid any time soon.  No matter how hard I tried to grow to look like one of them, I was designed to be a daisy.  At first this thought hurt, because as I've said before who wants to be a plain ordinary daisy.  I know I love daisies, but still...just a daisy?  Why God, why do you keep reminding me of the daisy?  For a week after my reckoning I struggled.

"Be a daisy" my heart of hearts whispered.  

"But what's so special about a daisy?" I whispered back.

Slowly, ever so slowly God started to reveal little truths about daisies to me, little truths about myself.

I would describe a daisy as a happy flower.  And have often heard it called a sunny flower.  Both those descriptions bring to mind a smiling face to me.  As I child I was often called Smiley, because I never stopped smiling and had enough happiness to go around.  Where had that joy gone?

Daisies are perennials, they bloom and bloom and bloom some more, all season long.  Flowers come up, bloom, and fade, but new ones are there to replace those that have withered and turned brown.  Growing up my family had numerous trials and tribulations, many I wouldn't wish on anyone.  Yet even when it seemed like everything was going wrong, I was always looking up to God with hope knowing there was going to be something new and better coming.  Where had the hope gone?

Daisies may appear ordinary, but that doesn't mean they are not special or useful.  Daisies may not be the center of attention, but the are the perfect finishing touch for any lovely bouquet.  In fact, most bouquets would look incomplete without them.  So not only can daisies stand on their own in a vase (I just love a vase spilling over with daisies.), but they enhance the beauty of the other flowers about them...they bring out the best in the rest.  Daisies might be ordinary, but just because they are ordinary doesn't mean they are not beautiful and it certainly doesn't mean they can't have a big impact.

This last little bit of truth started to change things for me.  I don't need to strive anymore to be any more then I was created to be.  That truth is freeing.  And with that truth came hope.  Hope that my life wasn't wasted, that the choices I made weren't wrong, that I still have a purpose and can still have an impact.  And with those truths came a small smile and a sliver of joy.  My life isn't so bad and it can be even better, that thought warmed my heart.  

"Show me Lord what it means to live my daisy life." I whispered.

"Gladly." my Gardener whispered back, "Gladly."

What is it about daisies?

This post was originally written in the spring of last year. I am finally stepping out in faith, despite my fears, and publishing this blog:
Daises are a fairly common flower and in my humble opinion rather overlooked and under appreciated.  They come in many sizes and variations, but my favorite is the plain and simple basic white with a sunny yellow center.  I have always loved daisies.  Probably a love either inherited from, or instilled by, my mother who had a Shasta Daisy plant at every house we lived.  More often then not it was a plant I and my siblings had given her for the first mother's day in that house.
Even though I grew up loving daisies it was only recently that I began to see a parallel in my life with a daisy plant.  You see no one ever strives to be a daisy, a plain old ordinary daisy.  In fact, in terms of flowers most girls would strive to be roses, or irises, or orchids.  You know big, beautiful, exotic, rare one-of-a-kind flowers that everyone notices and no one wants to forget.  The kind of flower that when you see it out of the corner of your eye you look again in admiration.  Or the flowers that make everyone want to take pictures and linger in their sweet smelling air.  Those are the kind of flowers girls want to be, certainly not an ordinary daisy.  Yet lately I feel like God has been whispering to me, "I have made you a daisy, why are you trying to be something you are not?  You are beautiful just as you are.  Lovely just as you are.  Special just as you are." 
And thus, I have taken a new look at the daisy.  I have thought about what is special about the daisy, what is noteworthy about the daisy, and why it is an honor to be designed like a daisy.  That is what this blog is going to be about... the beauty in the seemingly little and ordinary things of life, such as a daisy.